Vikings

Like most nerds I enjoy a good, bloody historical drama every now and again. This raises a problem because the most popular historical shows (Game of Thrones, Camelot, Rome, The Tudors etc.) are usually on HBO. For one thing, I don’t get cable, let alone HBO. Also, I am not a fan of televised butts and various other nakedness. So I have turned to the History channel’s new show, Vikings.

Turns out; when the History channel isn’t making shows about pawn shops and people hunting alligators, they make relevant shows about the Middle Ages with a more or less PG-13 rating. Below I have listed some of the main characters along with a general spoiler-laden synopsis. Anyone else doesn’t matter and will probably be dead within the season.

Ragnar Lothbrok is our protagonist. He is your typical b.a. farm kid who sails to uncharted lands and pillages. He always has an answer for everything. He is somewhat curious about all the new cultures he comes across. Careful observation of the show will show that he never kills unarmed civilians (although he doesn’t seem to have a problem hanging around while other people do it) and is a firm-but-fair ruler, apart from the whole blood eagle thing. His heart is for his people making him a somewhat likeable character... until you realize that his actually a cheating scumbag. Which brings us to our next character.

Princess Aslaug. No. Just no. This girl needs to die like right now.

Lagertha is pretty much my favorite character. Regardless of if they know it or not, she and Ragnar belong together, and stabbing her second husband in the eye with a fork was a step in the right direction. She is witty, sexy, wise, and since legend says she was a sheildmaiden, she has an unmistakable kick-buttitude about her.

Rollo and Siggy are, simply put, the village mattresses. Rollo (who is loosely based on the great 3x grandfather of William the Conqueror) spends his time making passes at Lagertha and raping unsuspecting townsfolk. Meanwhile, Siggy uses her good (?) looks to vamp impressionable men into her traps... Theda Bara style. As skanky as they both are, it was really only a matter of time until they found each other and fell madly in love when it’s convenient for them.

Floki is a fine blend of Dominic Monaghan and the retarded kid from The Village. He is a shipbuilder and has a choreographically awesome fighting style that involves a small axe. Apparently Floki has a huge fanbase which is kind of weird seeing as how most fangirlisms are reserved only for guys who A- aren’t balding and B- don’t wear eyeliner.*

Athelstean’s character started out a monk training to be a missionary at a monastery where Ragnar raided. Since Hollywood generally does everything they can to portray Christians as intolerable and pompous idiots, it was refreshing that Athelstean’s character was somewhat softspoken, peaceable, and devout in his faith. As the episodes rolled on, however, Athelstean became a slave first to a household that worshipped Viking gods, and then to a household that worshipped Roman gods, leaving him forced into paganism and somewhat confused with what he really believes although he could never truly denounce his own Christian faith in his heart and mind. Athelstean is currently a hallucinating prisoner of war serving in the house of Eckbert; the guy who takes a lot of baths. It should be interesting to see Athelstean’s character evolve since historically Athelstean would go on to become the first king of England.  

* Anyone who mentions my past Peter Furler obsession can go fall off a cliff. A cliff built out of Michael Tait albums.